Hey, Hey Its Bobby Galinsky

March 28, 2008

I found this review on Pete Ford’s cool Unstable Marzipan site. A review of Hey, Hey Its Esther Blueberger by our mutual pal Bobby Galinsky. Its so fucking funny I couldn’t possibly top it with my own review, so I will post here for the benefit of all humanity. Also to let you know I’m not the only one who thinks a lot of large budget Australian films suck farts out of a dead dog.

Bobby’s witty review:

Dear Filmgoer:

Once in a lifetime, a motion picture comes along that is so affecting, so powerful, so dominant in the psyche, that it defies description. It becomes you like a soul mate. You live and breath it like it permeates your very essence. On the positive side of the fulcrum it could be; and of course in the arts subjectivity must be considered—such magnum opus as CITIZEN KANE, TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD, BLADE RUNNER, GODFATHER (pick any one, or the triology), GONE WITH THE WIND, or some Steven Spielberg films before he realized the holocaust had box office potential.

But, on the other side of the fulcrum, the flip side of the coin, the dark side of the moon, the Satanic soiree of filmdom, lie celluloid nightmares that have been unleashed like an un-sealable Pandora’s Box of inexcusable efforts. Given that Australia, birthplace of some of the greatest films of all time, my chosen home and purveyor of the sheets that I pull tightly over my head when I sleep at night, has misfortunately spawned its share of unwatchable films this past decade—it is with great celebration and no small occasion that I share that tonight I have witnessed one of the worst films in the history of mankind, right here in the relative comfort of Chadstone Shopping Centre’s picture palace… HEY HEY IT’S ESTHER BLUEBERGER.

Perhaps you’re thinking… would I come home on a pleasant Wednesday evening, and go-to-town with a vengeance on a $6m Aussie ‘feel good’ comedy? Because it’s the worst example of acting, writing, direction, FFC funding, and absolute rubbish that makes films like THE WANNABEES look like Academy Award (c) material in comparison. I would rather lie down on a Mildura road at 4am and let a some drunken yabbo run over my whole family in a Kingswood than endure the pain that I went through watching this film tonight.

Alas, I can’t give you a synopsis because that would make an assumption there was a plot or script involved, but basically the mythical premise is that a 13-year-old Jewish girl, on the eve of her Bat Mitzvah, is going to go through “something” to get to “somewhere”. As a Jew, this film makes me want to convert to Islam if I can find a 24-Hour Auto-Muslim machine anywhere in Melbourne. If you happened to have the absolute misfortune to see a film called RUSSIAN DOLL back in 2001, and saw David Wenham’s amazing turn as an observant Jew, you’ll absolutely love this Hebrew catastrophe. Adolph Hitler would have walked out of Hoyts shaking his head wondering “how could they make Jews look so bad???” if he had been there tonight. And if he had, he would have asked for his money back. I know you’re not supposed to sledge your fellow film makers but some former Nando’s window slag wrote and directed this petri dish of retardation, and if anyone ever allows her to make another film with ANY government money I will rape the Prime Minister and kill his dog, or vice versa, depending of what the dog looks like. I’m not just going to say “gee, I wonder who read the script (sic) or howevermany rolls of toilet paper (used) pretending to be a script enticed some autistic illiterate to green-light this rubbish”, I’m going to find out and burn his/her/house down whilst they watch the film on their plasma TVs with their eyelids stapled open like Malcolm McDowell in A CLOCKWORK ORANGE.

Here is $6m (yep, six million… familiar number?) down the tubes faster than you can say “I’m Sorry” at a reconciliation ceremony. The film maker (sic) must have seen 100 ‘coming of age’ films and taken one frame out of each one (DEAD POETS SOCIETY, THUMBSUCKER, SUMMER OF ’42, etc etc) and thought “shit, i’ll take the best bits of my fave films and put them all in one film, get that Maori girl from WHALE RIDER (the one Kiwi who isn’t a mannequin, since the other—Sam Neil—is still in the window at David Jones’) and offer her a free TV and a CentreLink deal in Australia, and BEST OF ALL (WARNING!!! SPOILER!!!!) , I’ll get Toni Collette to get her kit off and play (attention all men: No Viagra or Cialis can help you now!!) a pole-dancing stripper! ARRRRGHHHHH. I have to say, seeing Toni Collette pole dance will preclude any male from ever having an erection in this lifetime or until Harold Holt gets a gold medal the 1500m butterfly. The money wasted on this painful exercise could have better spent buying a custom saddle to put on Ms. Collette for her destiny-turn as MISTER ED. No makeup required. A famous Australian director said a while back “Toni Collette has one look….and I don’t f*****g like it.” I can’t name him, because we’re pursuing him for a project of our own. But now you know one of the reasons why…

So please, please…when you wake up tomorrow, remember, the words “it’s only a movie, it’s only a movie” just don’t take the pain away.

Regrettably,

bobby

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2 Responses to “Hey, Hey Its Bobby Galinsky”

  1. […] said a while back Toni Collette has one look. and I dont f*****g like it…. source: Hey, Hey Its Bobby Galinsky, Idea Fix – The […]

  2. Congratulations for posting such a useful weblog. Your blog isn’t only informative and also very artistic too. There normally are very couple of people who can write not so easy articles that creatively. Keep up the great writing !!

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